Tracks In The Woods - Three blondes were walking through the woods when they came upon a set of tracks. "Looks like deer tracks", said one blonde. "No, it looks like maybe a cow track," another blonde suggested. "Actually, I think they are just dog tracks," the third blonde offered. They were still arguing when the train hit them!
Hockey - Q: How do you know a leper is playing ice hockey? A: There's a 'face-off' in the corner.
Stand up nuts! - The recreational director of a mental hospital wanted to take a well behaved group of inmates to a baseball game. The General Manager of the club was a little leery of this. When the Recreational Director said: "If I prove to you how well behaved they are, will you let them in?" The General Director agreed. The group of inmates came in and sat down. The Recreational Director shouted: "Stand up, nuts!" Everyone stood up. "Sit down, nuts!" Everyone sat down. "Look behind you, nuts!" Everyone turned around. Pleased with that, the General Manager let them in. About the third inning or so, he heard a tremendous commotion! People were running helter skelter. He asked what happened and was told that someone had called out: "Peanuts!"
Blonde quickies 101-120 - 101. Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you? A: Tell her she's pregnant. 102. Q: How do blondes get pregnant? A: And you thought blondes were dumb. 103. Q: What will she ask you? A: "Is it mine?" 104. Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up? A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde. 105. Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? A: To see what was on the other side. 106. Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you? A: Pull the pin and throw it back. 107. Q: Why do Blondes take the pill? A: So they know what day of the week it is. 108. Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill? A: Because it kept falling out. 109. Q: But why do brunettes take the pill ? A: Wishful Thinking. 110. Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel? A: Because her boyfriend was also blond! 111. Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first? A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions. 112. Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? A: Her IQ goes up! 113. Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A: A blonde parade. 114. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche? A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend. 115. Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde? A: Butter is difficult to spread. 116. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball? A: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball. A2: There is no difference. They're both round and have three holes to poke. 117. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"? A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic". 118. Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot? A: Bigfoot has been spotted. 119. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone? A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone. 120. Q: What's the difference between a blonde girl and a blond guy? A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.
Absentminded Doc! - A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear. He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear? In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims, - "Damn, some asshole has my pen!"
Mutual Orgasm Riddle - What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is? An insurance company.
The worst racist joke - So there is this guy named Bubba who lives in the South who is totally racist. He hates everyone of ethnic background so much that when ever he sees anyone of color walking down the street he runs them over with his truck. One day Bubba's wife invites the town preacher over for dinner and Bubba has to pick the preacher up and drive him to Bubba's house. Sure enough there is a black guy walking on the side of the road hitch hiking. Bubba cannot control his urge to hit the guy so he thinks to himself "If I pretend to pass out I can swerve over and hit the guy and the preacher will be none the wiser". So Bubba pretends to pass out and swerves over, after he hears a thump he pretends to wake up. He says to the preacher "Please tell me I didn't hit that hitchhiker". The preacher turns to Bubba and says "No son, but I got him with the door."
Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar - December 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Apply gold leaf, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards. December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine. December 3 Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener. December 4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim. December 5 Grind lenses for new eyeglasses. December 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration. December 7 Debug Windows '98 December 10 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth. December 11 Lay Faberge egg. December 12 Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble. December 13 Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts. December 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house. December 15 Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall. December 17 Blow glass Christmas tree ornaments. Cut tree in Montana. December 19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat. December 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture. December 21 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks. December 22 Float votive candles in toilet tank. December 23 Seed clouds for white Christmas. December 24 Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are. December 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Scent manger with homemade potpourri. December 26 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum. December 27 Build snowman in exact likeness of God. December 28 Say it is good. Rest for five minutes. December 29 Dig up sand from quarry and make new chips for my four computers. December 30 Float wicks in 4000 dishes of oil, place on lawn, and spell out Happy New Year as a greeting to my friends on the MIR space station. December 31 New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call one friend in each time zone of the world as the calendar changes.
Quick Ones! - What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? - 45 lbs. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? - 45 minutes Life stinks- I lent a guy ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now I don't know what he looks like! What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? - Sexual harassment. What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? $3.99 a minute. How are women and rocks alike? You skip the flat ones. Did you hear about the new blonde paint? It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy! What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? Humpme Dumpme. Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after having Sex? A. "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
The Miracle Show... - An old couple were sitting in their living room on a Sunday morning watching a religious program. The preacher on this show would go to all the people in the audience and asking them what they wanted fixed, then he would have them cover the part of their body they wanted fixed. Many of the people were elderly so they were covering their eyes and hearts. Then the preacher said "Ok now for you at home put your hand on the part of your body you want fixed and say this prayer with me." So the little old lady put her hand on her heart, because she had a very bad heart. And the little old man put his hands on his crotch. The little old lady turned to her husband and said "He said he could heal the sick, not raise the dead!"
Plastic Wrap - This cazy guy walks into an insane asylum wearing nothing but plastic wrap as shorts. The doctor walks in and tells him - "I can clearly see your nuts!"
Office X-mas Party! - December 1st TO: ALL EMPLOYEES I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols ... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty Lewis - Human Resources Director December 2nd TO: ALL EMPLOYEES In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family. Patty Lewis - Human Resources Director December 3rd TO: ALL EMPLOYEES Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money. Patty Lewis - Human Researchers Director December 7th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now? Patty Lewis - Human Racehorses Director December 9th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES People, people-nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." Patty Lewis - Human Ratraces December 10th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES Vegetarians-I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now. Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me? The Bitch from Hell! December 14th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Terri Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
Make up your mind - This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth." The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd rather have a baby!" To which the dentist replies, "Make up your mind lady, I'll have to adjust the chair!"
Witch - What do you call a witch at the beach? I don't know? A sand-witch!
Think You're A Man? - Man is the king of his castle A king is a ruler A ruler is 12 inches Still think you're a man?